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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28158018">keeping my silence</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsmile/pseuds/sunsmile'>sunsmile</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Drinking, Gen, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Mental Health Issues, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, excessive sleepiness, i don't know how to tag this correctly but donghyuck sleeps a lot and not in a healthy way, i'll add tags as i go, lowercase intended, suicide is a big topic in this so if you are triggered by this i suggest you don't read it, unhealthy eating habits</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:55:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28158018</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsmile/pseuds/sunsmile</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>the first time donghyuck thinks about ending his life is right after his wednesday evening class, and all he can think is <em>oh. that’s weird.</em></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>126</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello and welcome to my first real fic, this is mostly just me projecting! this in no way reflects what i think about the characters and figures in this and don't think that they think this way of each other/themselves. this is purely fiction so please treat it as such. please read the tags, and if there's anything you're not comfortable with, i'm sure you'll find something better to read. stay safe guys! </p>
<p>also: additional tags may be added to this later on, so look out for those.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <b>helpful links:</b>
</p><p>mentallhealth.carrd.co<br/>http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html<br/>https://www.suicidestop.com/worldwide_emergency_numbers.html<br/>https://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">☁</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="u"> <em>ninety days before</em> </span>
</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p5">it’s only wednesday, and donghyuck is exhausted.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">classes are tiring, his workload not getting any lighter even though he hands in assignment after assignment, and he’s covering yet another shift tonight. he hasn’t been back home in almost three months now; not being able to get off work during fall break; and he can tell it’s getting to him slowly. he misses his parents, his mother’s home-cooked meals, his father’s gentle voice calling him downstairs. he even misses his sisters bursting into his room in the mornings, waking him from peaceful slumber.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he sighs.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“you look tired,” renjun says, slurping his smoothie, while scrolling through his instagram feed with his other hand. “are you working today?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“yeah, at 6 pm,” he answers, ignoring the first part of the sentence. he’s not sure renjun expected an answer, anyway. “why?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“cool,” jaemin answers instead. donghyuck doesn’t know what’s so cool about him working late when he has an 8 am class the next day, but he chooses not to comment on that either. “maybe we’ll drop by later. we still need groceries.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">renjun nods, still not looking up from his phone. donghyuck sighs again. while his friends will most likely just get their groceries, take advantage of his staff discount, and leave, he appreciates the distraction during work hours. the late shift is the most boring one, as he just sits at the counter with nothing to do. their phones have to be locked up in their lockers, and almost no one comes in after 8pm. his boss won’t even let him bring his books, so he can work on his assignments for class.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“fine,” he tells his friends. “but bring coffee.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“you got it,” jaemin promises.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">☁</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p5">they don’t bring coffee, but donghyuck feels too awkward to even mention it. he just waves hello and watches as the two roommates stroll through the entrance of the grocery store, shopping cart in front of them.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">jaemin is chattering about something while renjun is focused on a piece of paper in his hands, presumably a grocery list.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck had met the two during his freshman year in university. the three of them had been partnered up for a group project in class that had required so much work, they had given up halfway through the semester. with the class dropped, they had spent their free period hanging out in the food court instead. he has other friends, sure, and he’s even friendly with some of mark’s friends who come over now and then, but renjun and jaemin have been closest to him ever since he started going to university. he kinda feels bad for being so busy with work, lately. they didn’t really have time to catch up.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“what’s cookin’, good lookin’,” jaemin greets him as soon as they pull up to the cash register. renjun rolls his eyes, but smiles anyway. they start putting the groceries on the belt, while bickering back and forth, and donghyuck starts scanning the items, before packing everything in two bags. when everything is packed, he scans his badge that’s dangling on his neck and lowers the price by 25%.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“thank you,” renjun says with a small smile as he pulls out his wallet.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“you should come down to the bakery soon,” jaemin offers as he grabs the bags from the counter. “i probably owe you like ten muffins by now.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“sure,” donghyuck says, even though he knows he won’t. the bakery jaemin works at isn’t far, but far enough from his apartment and campus that he doesn’t really have time to make his way there just to get a free muffin. not lately, anyway. “soon.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">the two of them stand there for a few awkward seconds, before renjun breaks the silence.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“how long until your shift is over?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck glances at the time on the screen.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“2 more hours,” he says, sighing on the inside. “maybe less if my boss is generous today.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">they both wince sympathetically, before jaemin moves the bags from one hand to another.</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p5">“well, don’t let us keep you from work,” he says.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck almost snorts, gazing around the empty store. he just nods.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“see you tomorrow?” renjun asks, probably talking about their afternoon classes.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“yep,” donghyuck confirms. “night, you two.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">they wave their goodbyes and are gone as fast as they had come in. he scolds himself for being disappointed in the first place. it’s not like the two are required to keep him company. putting his head in his hands, he starts counting the seconds until he gets to go home.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">two more hours. he can do that.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">☁</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p5">when he gets home, there’s a plate waiting for him on the kitchen counter.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5"><em>enjoy!!!! </em>the note says. donghyuck can’t help but smile. mark had even made the effort to draw a tiny smiley under the word, with the eyes so far apart from each other it makes the face look weird. despite being tired as hell, he puts the plate into the microwave and waits for it to heat up.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">mark lee, his roommate, and the same way a constant in his life as he’d been for the past 15 years. they’re close, sometimes, except sometimes they’re not. best friends is a term they use very loosely.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">in a way they <em>are</em> each other’s best friend; how could they not be with how they see each other every day? donghyuck, however, is sure they wouldn’t even be friends if it weren’t for the proximity they reside in. sure, they get along fine, but then again: so do a lot of strangers. doesn’t mean they should be awarded the title of “besties”.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">so when their parents, neighbours and way too good friends, suggested the two of them move in together after high school, as they had both gotten accepted for the same university, they agreed. <em>why not?</em> mark had said. they were friends, after all. they knew each other well. it was better than rooming with a stranger, right?</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">mark lee is an okay roommate, if anything. he leaves dirty dishes in the sink, he forgets to flush the toilet sometimes, but he always pays his bills and sometimes, like tonight, he even leaves food out for donghyuck to eat. they don’t interact much anymore, with both of them drowning in classes and working time-consuming part time jobs. donghyuck can’t really complain. they’re busy, after all. they’re adults. and if he finds himself missing mark (teenage mark with his awkward smile and braces, not this grown up mark with responsibilities and broad shoulders), he reminds himself that he’s just a door away.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he knows it’s not the same, but it’s a comforting thought.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he finishes the food in record time and dutifully puts the dishes away afterward. he makes sure to text mark a quick <em>thank you for the food</em> <span class="s1">✌🏼</span>before he collapses in his bed.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">if he’s lucky, he’ll get 4 hours of sleep.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">☁</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="u"> <em>eighty days before</em> </span>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">mondays are his days off from work, so he usually tries to get as many assignments done as he can to ease the workload for the rest of the week. with most of the tasks yet to come, though, he can't finish as much work as he would like to.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">with nothing left to do at 6 pm, he aimlessly sits on his bed. he should catch up on sleep, but if he goes to sleep now, he knows he'll be awake by midnight, and he's not keen on disrupting his already unstable sleep cycle.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he could watch a movie, but even picking one seems too much effort; and he knows mark is at work until at least 9 pm, so he can't exactly ask him to hang out, either.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he decides to call his parents.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"hello?" his mother’s voice immediately makes him feel warm inside, the exhaustion soothing out of his body and limbs going soft like melted butter. he snuggles further into his pillow.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"hi mom," he says. "how are you?"</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he spends the next 15 minutes listening to her talk about her day, about his dad's adventures at work and how she redecorated the entire living room yesterday. it's easy to listen to her, and he feels an ache in his heart from how much he misses being home that he tries to ignore as much as he can.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"we went to see the play last night," his mother tells him. "the costumes weren’t the best, but the students did such a great job we could look past it."</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck frowns. "what play?"</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"dasom got the lead role in her school's play," she says carefully. "i'm sure we told you."</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he's sure they didn't.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"no, you didn't. what? that's amazing!" he pauses for a second. theatre has always been important for his younger sister and he's sure she must have been so excited about it. pride swells in his chest, but then again-</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"why didn't you tell me?"</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"ahhh, don't be like that, hyuck," she scolds him. "you wouldn't have been able to come anyway."</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">irritated, he splutters. sure, he might have not been able to come, but it feels rude to just assume that without asking, right?</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"i would have given her a call, at least. i wish you would have told me."</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">or at least sent pictures or videos.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"you're so busy with school, we didn't want to distract you, honey."</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">the sound of her voice isn't as comforting as it had been a few minutes ago, and he feels tired again.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">"okay, i'll call her later or something." she hums in agreement. "i gotta go now, mom."</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">after they hang up, he keeps lying on his back and stares at the ceiling. it's not really a reason to get upset, but he still feels annoyed and irritated.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">then, he feels childish for feeling that way. they have their own lives and he can't expect to be updated about every single change they experience, can he? it'd be selfish to do so.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he sighs and turns on his side. going to sleep doesn't sound like such a bad idea, anymore. he'll try. maybe it'll help him get rid of his bad mood.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p2">☁</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p4">
  <span class="u"> <em>seventy-five days before</em> </span>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">“so, jung jaehyun is having a party tonight,” is the first thing jaemin says when he arrives. “we should go!”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">it’s saturday, and four in the afternoon when jaemin joins their friend group for lunch. he sits down in one of the giant armchairs in the cafe they’re currently at and throws his phone onto the table, showing them all an expectant look. renjun and chenle don’t even look up from where they’re leaned over renjun’s phone, and all jisung and jeno do is stare at him blankly.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“guys?” jaemin tries again. donghyuck suppresses a smirk from where he’s seated.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“are you even invited?” renjun deadpans.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">jaemin freezes, opens his mouth once before closing it again. he frowns.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“well, no,” he stammers, and renjun snorts. “but hyuckie can ask mark for us, right?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck chokes on his coffee.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“no way,” he says.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“oh, come ooooon,” jaemin pouts. “mark is buddies with jaehyun, right?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“so? doesn’t mean <em>i’m</em> buddies with him.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">the others have stopped what they’re doing and are watching the conversation between the two.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“but mark is your friend,” chenle butts in. “if you asked him, he could ask jaehyun maybe.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“totally!” jaemin agrees enthusiastically.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck furrows his brows.</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p5">he hasn’t seen mark since last night, and they haven’t <em>really</em> talked for a while, so it feels more than awkward to ask for an invitation to a party he doesn’t want to attend in the first place.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“that’s rude,” he tries to argue, but jaemin rolls his eyes and interrupts him.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“since when do you care about being rude?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">even renjun grins at that, and they all look at him, chenle’s eyebrow raised in expectance.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“well?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck tries one last time.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“i thought we had plans?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">jeno smiles from next to him. “my couch will be open any other day for our movie night,” he promises.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck sighs. he can’t really argue against that. he hasn’t been to a party in a while, anyway, and now that he has the weekend off from work he could maybe use the free time to losen up.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“i can ask him,” he relents and pulls out his phone from his hoodie’s pocket.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5"><em>are you going to jaehyun’s party tonight </em><span class="s1">👯</span> he texts mark.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">as usual, mark’s reply comes instantly. <em>yeah why</em></p><p class="p7"> </p><p class="p5">
  <em>can my friends and i come. they want to go lmao</em>
</p><p class="p7"> </p><p class="p5"><em>i’ll ask jaehyun </em>mark replies.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">and then two minutes later.<em> he said yes</em></p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck raises his phone towards his friends. “we’re going.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">his friends cheer.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck texts mark back.<em> thanksss</em></p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5"><em>see you there </em> <span class="s1">😊</span></p><p class="p7"> </p><p class="p2">☁</p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p5">the party is, as all university parties are, a mess. he doesn’t recognize half the people attending, and the very few he does are too drunk to recognize him. his friends stick together for the first twenty minutes, but after that they mostly scatter around.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">renjun stays by his side, mostly only because he despises parties in general, but donghyuck appreciates the company anyway. they sit on the couch and make fun of the drunk students around them for a while, before renjun goes to leave for the bathroom and doesn’t come back.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">in his absence, donghyuck takes out his phone and scrolls aimlessly through his messages to not look awkward as fuck sitting there all by himself. mark’s last message i still amongst those at the top, and he stares at the dumb smiley face for a few seconds. he hasn’t seen mark yet, as the other had not been at their apartment when he went back to change. he also hasn’t seen yuta, either, even though this is literally <em>his</em> party, but he can’t blame either of them, for there are way too many people here.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">another message comes in just as he’s about to put his phone away again. it’s his mother, sending yet another picture from his sister’s play. he sighs and closes the messaging app. ever since their phone call his mother has been sending him so many pictures he feels guilty for even mentioning being upset about it. he should have kept his mouth shut, because now his mother feels bad for making him feel excluded, and if she feels bad, <em>he</em> feels bad. he feels childish again; like a toddler throwing a tantrum because his parents aren’t paying him enough attention.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">not really feeling in the mood for the funky music anymore, he leaves the living room and moves onto the terrace, thinking fresh air might do him good.</p><p class="p7"> </p><p class="p5">sliding the terrace door close after him, he moves to a spot with no people around, leaning against the brick wall. it’s not even eleven yet, but he already wants to go home, regretting having come in the first place. his friends certainly are capable of having fun without him.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“do you want a cigarette?” a voice says and donghyuck jumps, not expecting anyone next to him.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he turns around and comes face to face with a man, slightly older than him by a few years at most. he’s holding a pack of cigarettes in one hand, and an already lit one in the other one.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“well?” he’s still holding the pack towards him and donghyuck thinks about it for a second. he’s only smoked like twice in his life before, both times at parties, and not really seriously at that. and while he’s never really seen the appeal behind them, he finds himself grabbing one anyway. he puts the thing between his fingers and patiently waits as the guy lights it with a red zippo.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">carefully, he takes a drag. he’s pretty sure he’s doing it wrong, since all he feels is smoke in his mouth and as he’s puffing the smoke back out, he’s not really feeling any different. at least he’s not coughing his lungs out, so there’s that.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">the guy keeps watching him, and then he chuckles.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“you need to inhale it, like into your lungs.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">the guy takes another drag himself and then purposefully makes a big deal of pulling his chest up as he inhales smoke. “like this,” he says and releases the grey smoke back out.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck tries imitating him, and this time he can actually feel the smoke finding its way into his body. still, he’s not really enjoying it, but he’s not hating it either.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">when he releases the smoke, the guy nods.</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p5">“yep,” he says, weirdly proud for someone who’s just taught someone the art of smoking.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck still hasn’t said anything, but he can feel the other’s eyes on him as they continue to lean against the wall.</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p5">“you’re mark’s roommate, right?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck frowns. he assumed that they were strangers, but now that he’s looking at the other man again, as carefully as he can in the barely lit terrace, he can see that the other one looks indeed familiar. maybe mark had brought him over once or twice.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“yeah,” he agrees. “do you know mark?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“sure do,” the other declares cheerfully. “my name’s yuta. me and mark sometimes play together.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“play?” donghyuck wonders. “like video games?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck knows for a fact that mark sucks at video games, and back in high school it would take forever to convince him to come over to play a few rounds.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“no,” yuta chuckles. it’s a dark and rusty sound, and by now he’s sure it comes from all the smoking, if the fact that he’s lighting his second cigarette in five minutes is anything to go by. “instruments. the guitar. piano. whatever.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“oh.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he lamely realises that he’s not sure where mark disappears to, whenever he’s not at work or class. maybe he’s out there playing in a band, for all he knows.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“mark is good at that,” he tells him.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">yuta looks at him carefully. “have you heard him play?”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5"><em>only like a million times,</em> he doesn’t say. he wonders if the other one is aware of how long he has actually known mark. that they were friends before they were roommates.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“yeah,” is all donghyuck says, in the end.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“mark is upstairs, if you wanna go say hi,” yuta takes another drag, before stubbing his cigarette out on the brick wall behind them. he dusts off his pants. “i’m gonna go up there myself.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck watches his own cigarette burn down slowly, the red rip moving down for a millimetre each second.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“no,” he mumbles. “i’ll see him later, anyway.”</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he suddenly feels so out of place it makes his stomach churn. the desire to go home and bury himself into his blankets overwhelms any other feeling.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">yuta shrugs and makes his way towards the terrace door.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">“it was nice to meet you,” he says and disappears inside.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck stands there for another few minutes, watching his cigarette burn out, before he drops it on the ground, stubbing it out with his worn out sneakers.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p5">he goes home.</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p7"> </p><p class="p3"> </p><p class="p1"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="u">
    <em>seventy-four days before</em>
  </span>
</p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p5">mark doesn’t mention the party the next day, and donghyuck is both relieved and upset about that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><em>ask me about it</em>, one part of him thinks. <em>you knew i wanted to come, so ask me.</em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><em>spare me the embarrassment</em>, the other part of him says.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">mark just greets him good morning while he grabs cereal from the kitchen and goes about his day.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck sighs. he misses the days where the two of them would talk for hours; nothing else to worry about but the newest k-pop releases, homework and video games.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">grabbing the glass of water he came for, he goes back to his room.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">his head has been throbbing ever since last night. he had assumed it was from the party and all the smoke he inhaled, and thought it would go away once he got some sleep, but he still feels tired and achy all over. he doesn’t really feel like doing anything, really, except maybe stay in bed all day, but since he’s up already he might as well use the time.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">now that his coworker is back from her sick leave, he doesn’t have to cover as many shifts as before. he decides to use his free time to catch up on all his schoolwork, at least as much as he can.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he grabs his laptop and takes a seat on his desk, cluttered with notebooks and books that he moves to the side.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he starts with the easiest tasks, essays he has no trouble of finishing but was just too lazy to actually start. once he hands them in, he moves onto the more difficult ones. these he struggles with and he curses himself thrice for choosing a major as time consuming as biochemistry. he enjoys the topics, sure, but when he works through the material he hates himself for going through with it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">sighing, he scrolls through the syllabus again to check if he missed anything. the only class that’s left is not even really a biochem class, but one of the general courses they’re required to take every semester. they have to hand in stuff only once a term, but donghyuck isn’t sure what exactly they have to do.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">knowing that renjun and jaemin also have to take the same class, he messages renjun.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">
  <em>what are we supposed to do for the gen class? we have to hand in sth right</em>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">as usual, renjun’s bubble types up instantly, indicating that he’s read the message and is typing a reply. donghyuck doesn’t bother exiting the chat.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>yeah we have to do a portfolio about the material from the book</em> </b>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>its like supposed to be 10 pages tho</em> </b>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>the formation is online on the prof’s page</em> </b>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck sighs. another thing he has to worry about, and 10 pages at least, too.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">
  <em>have u started yet? </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">working on something is usually easier, and if they split up the topics they can just put them together and finish it easier…</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>me and jaemin handed it in last month already</em> </b>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">the words on his phone screen are almost mocking, staring at him in silence. betrayal shoots through his entire body, before embarrassment floods in. he feels stupid for asking, but the other part of him is upset with his friends for not telling him. his fingers move before he can stop them.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">
  <em>wow thanks for letting me know</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">as soon as he sends it, he regrets it. they are not obligated to inform him every time they hand in an assignment, after all. and they never said they were working in a group either. donghyuck had just assumed, but nothing was certain. just because they had done so in earlier semesters, doesn’t mean they will be doing that forever. he huffs, irritated about this entire situation. he exits the chat, annoyed and grumpy, not feeling productive at all.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he closes his laptop and moves onto his bed. since he hadn’t even taken off his pyjamas this morning, there’s nothing stopping him from climbing straight back under the covers.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">his phone buzzes four times by the time he’s curling into a ball, but he only checks it when he’s all comfortable on his pillow.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>we totally forgot hyuckie im sorry</em> </b>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>u still have like 4 weeks tho u can do it</em> </b>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>ill send u my portfolio so u can just rewrite our stuff and hand it in</em> </b>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p5">
  <b> <em>it’ll be super easy</em> </b>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck snorts, feeling irritated with the pity and apology both. he surely isn’t going to copy their portfolio, now.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">
  <em>no thanks its okay</em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">it feels petty, but he feels better after sending it. closing the messaging app again, he turns off his phone and turns to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling. outside of his room, he can hear mark moving around in the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards randomly. he briefly wonders if he’s cooking, and if he should intervene to save them both from a ruined kitchen, but decides against it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he closes his eyes and tries to sleep.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="u">
    <em>seventy days before</em>
  </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he doesn’t stay mad at renjun or jaemin, mostly because they really do seem to be sorry. jaemin brings him coffee from the cafe to campus, and renjun does end up sending the portfolio they handed in (even though donghyuck insisted he didn’t need it). donghyuck feels calmer than he has in a while; and he’s glad that things are back to normal. he goes to class and work, forgetting the tiring weeks before.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">that’s why he hates himself for being upset when he sees their instagram stories.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">it happens like this:</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he’s at home, finished with both work and classes for the day, and scrolling aimlessly through instragram and watching the stories of the people he’s following. mark is out, probably with his friends or whatever doing god knows what, so donghyuck is alone for the rest of the day. he hasn’t eaten dinner yet, and he’s just thinking about what to cook when he skips some influencer’s story and comes across jaemin’s story instead, which was uploaded 23 minutes ago. he watches the video once, and then swipes back to watch it again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">it’s a short video, clearly taken at his and renjun’s place (donghyuck recognises the tacky wallpaper in their living room), and it shows a table full with boxes of chinese food, soda cans and pizza boxes spread out. he can see hands going out of the frame, grabbing things like forks and napkins. jaemin even made the effort to tag all of those present. renjun is there, of course, and jeno, who lives just a street away. when he sees jisung and chenle’s instagram handles, though, he frowns.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">everyone from their friend group was there, except him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he knows there were no plans to hang out, because the group chat they were all in mentioned nothing of these sorts. and yet everyone is gathered at jaemin and renjun’s place, ordering food and having fun. clearly no one was missing him. no one had even asked him if he wanted to come, as well. he tries to blink away the tears that had threatened to appear in his eyes, and senses the feeling of sadness being replaced with that of anger.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">why bother still using that group chat if they clearly are not interested in having him as a friend. maybe they are just too kind to tell him that, or too awkward about kicking him out. they probably already had a new group chat without him, and only ever used the one with him to ask about school work or group projects he was in.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><em>okay mr. dramatic</em>, he scolds himself. <em>way to overreact.</em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he lets jaemin’s story pass and just stares at his screen where xiaojun from his chemistry class is cuddling his dog. automatically, instagram passes to another person’s story yet again, but donghyuck can’t restrain himself and swipes back two times to watch jaemin’s story once more. if he listens carefully, he can hear chenle’s laugh in the background.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><em>maybe it was just spontaneous</em>. he thinks. that could be possible. surely they don’t hate him. they’re friends, after all.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">while he’s thinking about all of this, he doesn’t notice his finger slipping and drops his phone on the bed. he yelps, and picks it up again, but to no avail. in his clumsy glory, his finger must have tapped on the screen, and there it is: the abundance of clapping emojis indicating he had just reacted to jaemin’s story.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he stares in horror at his phone, and then he screeches. “fuck,” he whines.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">throwing his phone away from him, he lays down on the bed in frustration, knowing he came off as passive aggressive and petty, something he was trying to avoid by simply ignoring the story.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><em>maybe jaemin will ignore it,</em> he thinks. <em>they’re probably busy with having fun without me anyway.</em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">just then his phone beeps.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he squeezes his eyes shut, but when his phone keeps buzzing, he groans and grabs it again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><b>najaemin08:</b> hyuckiee!! <span class="s1">🥺</span></p><p class="p5"><b>najaemin08</b>: aren’t you working <span class="s1">🥺🥺</span></p><p class="p5"><b>najaemin08</b>: jeno came over bc he brought me some books i needed and the others were close so it was rlly spontaneous<span class="s1">🥺</span></p><p class="p5"><b>najaemin08</b>: come over if ur not workinggg</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck snorts. as if. getting an invitation out of pity is even worse than getting no invitation at all. he feels embarrassed and annoyed at the same time.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he types a reply quickly, just wanting to get out of this situation as soon as possible.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><b>hyuck_leeee</b>: no it’s fine</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">and then, just because he doesn’t want to come across as too petty, he adds:</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><b>hyuck_leee</b>: have fun!! say hi</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he feels so sad all of a sudden, that he curls up on his side, staring at his screen with glassy eyes as jaemin starts typing something but deletes it again. he watches the bubble appear and disappear twice, before instagram sends him a simple “<b><em>naejaemin08</em></b><em> liked your message</em>”. he scoffs, and hates how shaky his voice sounds.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">it doesn’t even make sense, because his friends don’t owe him anything. but to be the only group member to be left out? he wonders if it was anything that he had done that made them not include him, or if it was simply as situational and spontaneous as jaemin had claimed.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">maybe they were annoyed with him over the portfolio thing, but then again, they had apologised for that so if they were annoyed with him, would they have even made the effort to do so?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he groans and puts his phone under his pillow. he’s not even hungry anymore, and clearly not in the mood for cooking, anyway.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he closes his eyes, and decides to just go to sleep.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  <span class="u">
    <em>sixty-six days before</em>
  </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">things were weird with his friends for only a day. when he saw them the next day, jaemin had been awkward, but apologising and explaining so long about what happened, that donghyuck had felt bad for being sad about it in the first place. he waved him off, and pretended to not be bothered by it at all.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“i was tired from work, anyway,” he said and jaemin had nodded, still not entirely convinced, but eager to let it go.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">so that was that.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">now things are back as usual, and they are spending yet another friday afternoon at a cafe close to campus. chenle and jeno are bickering over a mobile game they are playing while jaemin and and renjun are still deciding what to eat.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">jisung is talking donghyuck’s ear off about the newest choreography they are doing at the dance club.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“you have to see it,” he exclaims, long fingers moving in excitement. “right at the bridge part, we’re doing this amazing bit where i’m in the center, and i wasn’t even sure they were gonna let me do it since i’m one of the youngest still, but they said could, ahhh.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he sounds so sincere and hyped that donghyuck can’t help but coo over him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">jisung waves his hands off that were just pinching his cheeks.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“seriously, though,” he says, more seriously. “i wish you would come back. it’s so boring going there alone.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck rolls his eyes. “you’re not alone, you’re like 15 people.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“that’s not what i mean and you know it,” jisung deadpans. “the other guys miss you too!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck doubts that, but it’s nice of jisung to say it anyway.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">at the start of university, back when he was still excited about anything and everything, he had joined one of the school’s dancing team. it had been fun, and the guys were all nice and welcoming, so he had attended practices, joined their performances on campus festivals and had even danced for some of the small town competitions that were held.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">when he got to know jisung and learned about his passion, he had convinced him to join the team as well.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">but after becoming busy with work and classes, he attended less and less practices until it was eventually too hard to catch up with the others. so he had dropped out a few months ago.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“i’m too busy with work,” he tries. “you know that.”</p><p class="p5"><br/>jisung sighs, as it is something they’re not discussing for the first time.</p><p class="p5"><br/>“yeah, but you don’t have to attend every practice. it’s fine if you miss one or two. just come!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“how will i learn the choreography if i’m only there half of the time?” he teases jisung, who just rolls his eyes.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“i’ll teach you!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck gives the younger one another pinch on his cheeks. “all grown up and teaching me the choreo, huh?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">jisung whines, but donghyuck just laughs it off.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he missed dancing, sure, but he just didn’t have the time or will to do it anymore. when he wasn’t at work, he was in class, and when he wasn’t at either of those, he was just too exhausted to do anything else. besides, he wasn’t really in shape for dancing anymore, anyway. he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the rest of them, and to be honest, he’d rather spare himself the embarrassment of the whole thing.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“you used to be so much fun,” jisung pouted. “now all you do is work and study.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“ouch,” donghyuck said, frowning a little bit.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“it’s true,” jisung continues. “you never even want to go out anymore, and you always leave early when we do.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">donghyuck isn’t really sure what to say to that, but he’s spared from having to answer when the waitress comes over to take their orders. as the others give their orders, he thinks about what jisung said.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">is he really that boring? not fun?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">is that why they didn’t invite him to all of their hang outs anymore? he has been more tired recently, and he hasn’t enjoyed going to parties, but so what? is that really so bad?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">before he can think more about that, jisung gives him a shoulder pat, pointing to the waitress who is staring at him expectantly.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">“sorry,” he says and then rattles off his own order robotically.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">even after he arrives at home, mark greeting him from the couch absently, he thinks about what jisung told him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">surely he must have been exaggerating. he’s not boring, and his friends don’t hate him. right? they invited him out to the cafe, after all. they wouldn’t have done that to someone they hated. but what if they only did that out of pity. so they wouldn’t feel bad about it. maybe someone accidentally messaged the group chat instead of their own, so they were obligated to invite him along.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">he shakes his head, aware of how much he was overthinking this already.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5"><em>idiot</em>, he scolds himself.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p5">and yet it’s all he can think about for the rest of the night, before he falls into a restless slumber.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thoughts and comments are always welcome!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi there, sorry for the longer wait! i was caught up with exams and life</p><p>someone has kindly linked me with a link that i think could interest more of you. i'll add it to the first chapter, too, as well as other resources. if you're struggling, please don't hesitate to ask for help! my comments are also open to anyone, as well! treat yourselves kindly, please! &lt;3</p><p> </p><p>i've also added some new tags, so please look out for those! next chapter is when things start getting heavier, so please proceed cautiously!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <b>helpful links:</b></p><p> </p><p>mentallhealth.carrd.co<br/>http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html<br/>https://www.suicidestop.com/worldwide_emergency_numbers.html<br/>https://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="u">
    <span class="s1">
      <em>sixty-three days before</em>
    </span>
  </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“it says it’s half off on this sticker,” the woman repeats for the third time, pointing a manicured fingernail at the box of chocolates. “so you have to sell it to me for this price.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">donghyuck suppresses a sigh, trying his best to give her an apologetic smile. “this sticker does not belong on this item, i’m afraid,” he says. “someone must have ripped it off and put it there.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">the woman huffs, unconvinced. “if you’re advertising a product for a certain price, you’re required to sell it for that.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“there’s no such law,” donghyuck tells her, voice curt. “and i’m not allowed to do that, even if i wanted to.”</p><p class="p4">“then why is there a sticker on here that says it’s half off?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“i don’t know,” donghyuck answers, irritated. “as i said, it does not belong there. if you check the other boxes, you’ll see there’s no sticker on them either.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“you’re being rude,” she snaps, looking around. “where is your manager?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“i’ll get him for you,” he says and grabs the phone on the counter, calling his manager down.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his manager, a man in his mid-thirties, arrives a minute later, tie and vest in order and looking from donghyuck to the customer.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“is there a problem?” he says in a friendly voice.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“yes,” the woman exclaims before donghyuck can even begin to explain. “your cashier seems to be having a problem with selling me these chocolates for the advertised price.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">donghyuck watches as his manager talks to the customer in his friendliest voice, before, to donghyuck’s utter shock, swipes his card on the register and sells the chocolates to half the price. the woman smiles her dirtiest smile and sends donghyuck one last scathing look.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“and maybe you should just stop hiring anyone,” she tells his manager before stalking out of the store with heels clicking obnoxiously with each step, chocolate in her hands.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">donghyuck stares at his manager in disbelief.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“you told us we’re not allowed to do that,” donghyuck says, feeling both confused and betrayed. “that’s the only reason i even had this discussion with her.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his manager sighs, and shrugs his shoulders. “sometimes you need to know when to pick your battles, kid.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he pats his shoulder once, and then disappears back into his office.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">donghyuck stares after him, baffled and embarrassed.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">when he arrives home, he feels exhausted. dropping his bag onto the floor, he lets himself drop face first down onto his bed, smushing his face into his pillow. he has no more classes today, thank god, but it’s only five pm and going to sleep at this time feels weird, even for him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">despite that, he lays there for a few more minutes, calming down and resting, before eventually getting up and taking his jacket off and changing his clothes from sweater and jeans to comfier sweatpants and a big hoodie. he feels much more relaxed like this, but exhaustion is still all over his bones.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">sighing, he moves into the kitchen to see if there’s anything to eat. the fridge is almost empty, and he curses himself for not getting groceries while he had been at work. making a mental note to do so tomorrow, he just decides to order something instead.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he grabs his phone and is greeted with an email notification on his home screen. he’s fully intended to just ignore it and go to the delivery app, but the first line of the email grabs his attention.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b><em>dear all,</em></b> it reads<b><em>. thank you for all of your submissions-</em></b></p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p4">his heart drops into his stomach and he freezes. he hadn’t submitted anything.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">the assignment hadn’t even been on his radar at all, forgotten amongst all the other things he had thought about. he thinks back to his last class from this week, and vaguely remembers her mentioning the submission deadline.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“fuck”, he whispers. tears well up in his eyes before he can control them. what is he gonna do?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“fuck!” he says again, this time louder. now the tears are rolling and he slaps his own forehead multiple times. “idiot!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">walking back into his room, he hastily opens his laptop and searches for the assignment details. maybe if he can finish the assignment quickly, his professor will still accept it.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">for the next two hours, he works nonstop on the paper, ignoring everything else while doing so.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">once he’s done, he saves the file in pdf, attaching it to the email he types with shaky fingers, begging the professor to accept his late assignment.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he sends the email, and then he stares at the screen, silently cursing himself out for being so careless and forgetful.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">angry with himself, he spends the next hours lying on his bed, refreshing his email app every two minutes.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">it’s about an hour alter, when he gets an reply. sitting up in a haste, his eyes widen and his hands shake as he opens the email.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">
  <b>
    <em>good evening mr. lee,</em>
  </b>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p4">
  <b>
    <em>as mentioned in the syllabus and in my homepage, i sadly do not accept any late assignments. you are welcome to retake the class next semester, as i will be offering it again then. if you want, i can put you in my list already.</em>
  </b>
</p><p class="p6"> </p><p class="p4">
  <b>
    <em>sorry for any inconveniences, and good luck with the rest of the term.</em>
  </b>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p7"> </p><p class="p8">he doesn’t even bother reading the rest of the email, and just throws his phone against the wall. his fists ball in anger, shaking slightly and he can already feel his throat tightening. he’s sure there are already tears forming in his eyes. </p><p class="p7"> </p><p class="p8">
  <em>idiot, fucking idiot! </em>
</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">not only did he let an entire course and all of his work go to waste, he also embarrassed himself in front of his professor and came off as totally unprofessional.</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">and now the first tears are falling, slowly but surely. he’s so stupid. he came here to study and do well in university to get a good degree, but all he’s accomplished so far is get a job at a grocery store and get kicked out of a class.</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">dumb, dumb, dumb.</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">he can’t help the sobs that rack his body, and he folds in on himself on the bed, crying into his hands.</p><p class="p9">
  
</p><p class="p8">the worst thing is that he actually worked <em>so</em> hard for all of his classes. he never missed a lecture and he always did his work the very same week, all while going to work without taking a day off. and yet all of his work was for nothing. he feels stupid for even spending hours on finishing this stupid assignment anyway, since his professor didn’t even bother reading through it. stupid.</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">he doesn’t know how long he sits there, but eventually the anger takes over. his professor hadn’t even given him a second chance, even though he was one of the few students who actually participated in her class. he had never missed a deadline before and she still couldn’t give him an extension? even though he had already handed it in a few hours later? they are halfway through this semester already, so all the assignments he had done for this course he had done for nothing. all his work, down the drain, just because he was too stupid to remember a single deadline.</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">what even was the point anymore? he feels so dumb and tired, but mostly tired. it seems as if the exhaustion from the entire day is only now catching up to him. he had come straight from work, and had thrown himself into writing an unnecessary assignment immediately. it’s late, and he had gotten up early this morning (like any other morning for the past few weeks).</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">his stomach growled, complaining about not having eaten anything the entire day. the kitchen was still empty, and he hadn’t gotten around to ordering food, but he felt too tired to even move.</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">too tired to do anything, really. nothing he was doing seemed to matter, anyway. why should he work and do well in classes if it’s worth nothing, in the end.</p><p class="p9"> </p><p class="p8">he crawls under the blankets and shuts his eyes, silently hoping to sleep for a very, very long time.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p3">
  <span class="u">
    <span class="s1">
      <em>sixty-two days before</em>
    </span>
  </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">when he wakes up, it’s from the buzzing of his phone. his hand groggily moves across his mattress where his phone is usually placed during the nights. it’s when he can’t find it, that he remembers what happened last night. immediately, his mood is sour again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his phone won’t stop vibrating, probably still on the ground from where he threw it against the wall, and he sighs. getting up, he pads over to where his phone is just as it stops vibrating.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he rolls his eyes, pissed and irritated about getting woken up. his bones are still aching, and he knows he could use some more sleep for sure. he slips back under the blankets, phone in hand. he connects his phone to the charger next to his bed, and checks the time.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">it’s only 8:12 am in the morning. he doesn’t have work today, thank god, but he has a class at 11 later on.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he lets out a dry laugh. was there even a point in going to classes anymore? he would probably forget some stupid deadline and get kicked out of that one, as well.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><em>whatever</em>, he thinks. he’ll worry about that later.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">unlocking his phone, he checks his call history and finds that it was his sister who had called him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he’s both intrigued and confused. while his sister often texted, she wasn’t really a caller…</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">checking his messaging app, he sees that she had messaged him last night.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: do you need these??</p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: <em>(attachment.jpg)</em></p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: ????</p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: ??????????</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">furrowing his brows, he opens the picture his sister sent him. it’s a picture of his old vinyls that he had stored in a box in his room. he doesn’t really know what she means, so he sends a single <em>?</em> back. why would he need them right now?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his sister’s reply is immediate.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: where have u been!!!</p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: why didn’t you answer my phone call lol</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>me</b>: aren’t u in school</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: i have a free period :}</p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: NOW ANSWER</p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: do u need the box!!!</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>me</b>: idk what ur asking</p><p class="p4"><b>me</b>: i dont need my vinyls rn??</p><p class="p4"><b>me</b>: what</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: oh wait i didn’t even tell u lmaooo</p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: im moving into ur room</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>me</b>: what</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">donghyuck freezes, brows furrowed. his parents hadn’t told him that he and his sister were changing the rooms, but before he can feel betrayed, his sister calls again. this time he answers.</p><p class="p4"><br/>
“hey,” his sister’s voice says cheerfully. “i’m getting your roooooooom.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">she sounds happy and he can hear shuffling in the background. donghyuck can’t even get a word in, before she’s speaking again.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“im turning my old one into a dressing room for myself, i even got a full length mirror and mom promised to get me a dressing table as well!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">this has him interrupting her at last.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“you’re keeping your old room, as well?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“yep!” she sounds nonchalant, as if it were a normal thing for her to have two rooms.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“what about my room? where will i sleep?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">dasom scoffs.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“you’re never here, anyway. you moved out and got your own place, so why would you need a room here?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he freezes, and his words get caught in his throat. not keen on crying in front of his sister, he hangs up.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">so just because he had left for college, his parents decided he didn’t need a room anymore? are they just throwing his entire things out? what if he gets kicked out of college for failing too many classes (since that is apparently his thing, now) or goes home for christmas? will he have to sleep on the couch?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his head starts hurting again, and he rubs his temples, too overwhelmed with it all.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his phone vibrates again. a text from his sister.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>dasom</b>: did u just hang up on me?? rude?????</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he doesn't bother replying to her, and decides to text his mother instead.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>me</b>: are you kicking me out lmao</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“ugh,” he groans, cringing at how childish he sounds. he quickly types another text.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>me</b>: don’t let dasom throw my things out please</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he doesn’t really want to read his mother’s answer, so he locks his phone again and turns away, closing his eyes while doing so.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">maybe he can afford to skip a class today. everyone does it, anyway. and he needs the sleep.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">if he sleeps, he won’t have to think whether his family still wants him around, or if he will manage to graduate.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">yeah, sleep sounds good.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">by the time he wakes up again, it’s 11:24am. this is the longest he has slept in weeks, and yet he still feels tired by the time he leaves his room.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">the apartment is empty, since mark is probably in class.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he makes his way to the bathroom, locking the door behind him even if he’s alone.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">a single look into the mirror has him wincing. he looks awful. his usually tan skin looks pale and there are dark bags under his eyes. his hair has been getting longer lately, but he hadn’t had the time or patience to go to the hairdresser. he grabs some strands and inspects it. his hair, which had been dyed a golden brown for the past months, was dry and lifeless. usually jaemin and he bought their hair dye together and met up at either one of their places to dye each other’s hair. he had been kinda busy, lately, however, and had told jaemin to dye his hair without him the last time he had asked. pink was even more urgent to dye than brown. since he hadn’t dyed his hair in a while, it grown out quiet a bit, the roots visible to the bare eye even from a few meters away. he really needs to dye it again, but finds that he doesn’t really have it in him to care.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">maybe he’ll just let it all grow out. it would certainly be easier that way.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he sighs, and just takes a shower.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p3">
  
  <span class="s2">☁</span>
</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">he doesn’t really feel better after he showered and brushed his teeth, but he feels cleaner, at least.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his phone, now charged, displays several messages from his mother that he ignores for now, and a few messages in the group chat with his friends.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>renjun</b>: wanna go out for dinner tonight??</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>jeno</b>: your treat? &lt;3</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>renjun</b>: no &lt;3</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>jisung</b>: where??</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he just skims through his friends’ banter, but at the end he sees that all of them agreed to dinner. nobody had specifically invited him, but then again, they wouldn’t have messaged the group chat if they wouldn’t want him there, right?</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he sighs for the millionth time that day.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he was so tired of constantly worrying about these things lately. it was a habit he had never really kicked in his teenage years. never really insecure, but always been a tad too self-conscious. it didn’t take long to figure out there wasn’t much of a difference, after all.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">just as he’s about to debate whether he has the energy to even leave the house in the first place, another message comes in.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><b>jaemin</b>: <em>@donghyuck</em>: i can see you reading theseeeee, so ur coming too!!</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">if he’s relieved at seeing that message, no one has to know.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">dinner is weird. while he thought that seeing his friends and getting some food inside of him would help him calm down, it has the exact opposite effect.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his friends are the same as always. they greet him warmly, and they wait for everyone to arrive before ordering. the smalltalk is nice, they chatter back and forth and share jokes they always share. so why does he still feel so awkward. nobody is making him feel left out, intentionally. they include him in their talks, even ask him questions. and yet he feels lonely and isolated. he could cry.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4"><em>quit being annoying</em>, he tells himself. <em>why can’t you just enjoy this?</em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">eating helps him feel better, at least. he hadn’t even realized how hungry he must have been the past few days, because once he starts eating, he doesn’t stop.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he focuses on shovelling food in his mouth quickly, just to have something to do.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“someone’s hungry,” chenle teases him, chuckling loudly. “slow down!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">embarrassed about being called out, he puts the fork down, chewing more slowly than before.</p><p class="p4"><br/>
“when’s the last time you have eaten?” renjun asks, raising an eyebrow. “does mark not feed you well?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">donghyuck scoffs. “i’m the one feeding him, if anything!”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">the others laugh, and he rolls his eyes, smiling a bit.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“sure,” jaemin says, patting him on the shoulder. “eat slower or you’re gonna choke.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his cheeks heat up from embarrassment again, but he does try to eat slower. in that moment, when he sees all of his friends looking at him eat, he regrets coming.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">☁</p><p class="p5"> </p><p class="p4">when he comes home, all he wants to do is go to bed and sleep. it’s not even late, and he still has to revise the work from the class he has skipped, but his whole body screams exhaustion at him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">when he enters the apartment he quickly realises he’s not alone. not only is mark home, but he brought friends. and they’re all in the living room. which he has to go through, if he wants to go to his room.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">great.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he takes off his shoes and quietly pads through the apartment. maybe if they’re all busy and won’t even notice him slipping through.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">once he enters the living room, he’s met with 4 pairs of eyes, one of them mark lee.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“hey,” mark greets him casually. “you’re back.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he stops in his tracks and takes in the scene in front of him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">mark lee on their couch, guitar in his hand and surrounded by three of his older friends, one of whom he recognises from the party. yuta is offering him a wave instead of a cigarette, this time.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he waves awkwardly from where he’s standing in the doorway.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“hi,” he says and curses his voice for being scratchy. “what’s up?”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">the other two greet him as well, and donghyuck recognises johnny. the older had come over a few times, and every time they’d crossed paths he had been nice. he tries to remember if he had met the fourth guy before.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“we’re just jamming,” says mark, tapping his guitar lightly. “jaehyun brought a keyboard, so we’ll be a bit louder, if that’s okay.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">the other guy, jaehyun, gives him a friendly smile, showing his dimples.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">all of a sudden, nostalgia overcomes him, hit with memories of a younger mark playing his guitar in donghyuck’s childhood room back in their hometown. mark used to come over all the time, just to hang out and practice his skills on his new guitar while donghyuck played video games. sometimes he even joined him singing some of the songs he knew the lyrics to. they were just dumb kids, having fun.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">if he could go back to that time, he would do so in a heartbeat.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">but he can’t. mark is here, 22 years old, surrounded by all of his new friends; and donghyuck is here, across from him, by himself. he doesn’t even have his childhood room anymore.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">his stomach churns, sick from the memories and probably all the food he ate.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">the four of them still look at him expectantly, and donghyuck ends up nodding.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">“sure,” he says. “have fun.”</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he goes past them, and quickly enters his bedroom, closing the door behind him.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">mark mumbles something to his friends, but donghyuck doesn’t listen.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">he quickly changes into something comfortable, before climbing into his bed, burying his head into his pillow.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">tomorrow, he’ll do his revisions, tomorrow he’ll call his mother back, tomorrow he’ll actually attend his classes.</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p4">for now, he’ll sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>please let me know what you think or if you have tips/advice/criticism.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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